I stopped writing after I got into a relationship.
The reason why I wrote What is Limerence? 🧠was because I was falling in love. Back in 2023, that was my source of inspiration.
You’ll notice I have two posts since then, both at the start of this year in 2025.
What is this post about?
The truth is, I haven’t been in touch with myself since I fell in love. I forgot that to express myself through writing was a way of understanding my thoughts. To use the keyboard and the text on the screen as a vessel for my emotions. Instead, I unfairly placed that responsibility on someone I love deeply.
This blog is my canvas. Whether the strokes are pretty or not.
I was so consumed by work, self-expectation and the desire to be the best I could possibly be for others that I never stopped to look inwards. Forgive myself, love myself, believe that I am enough.
Loving Yourself
What I need to ask myself is…
Do I really want love or is love is simply a means for validation?
My Childhood
Throughout my childhood, there was always something to improve on.
What I got told:
2nd place is fine, but why didn’t you get 1st?
You need to pass this subject or else I don’t know what I’m gonna do
What others get told:
My boy is the best, he is so smart!
Yes he is doing very well
There wasn’t a limit to success. Nothing is ever enough in my head.
Constantly chasing validation is a behaviour I am actively unlearning. It’s toxic to myself.
Love is not, and should never be conditional.
Abandonment
Just before we got together, I made choices that were true to me and only to me. I was forced to make important decisions. In the process, I lost relationships I cultivated for years.
I never, ever, wanted to feel that feeling of loss ever again.
I realized I am unable to see true, grounded love. Why? Because I secretly believe that the end is inevitable, no matter how good something is.
I reject the notion. To fully trust is incredibly scary to me. Vulnerability makes me uncomfortable.
I’ve been carrying a fear of abandonment in my relationship for so long. It recently started manifesting when real life became very difficult.
Masking
‘Peforming’ is tiring. Self-draining.
I played a ‘role’, suffocating myself - disconnecting me from who I am.
I diminished myself, thinking that giving — even at my own expense — would make me earn love. I couldn’t be steady and trusting, because, this is not normal to me.
I lost sight of myself and goals thoughout the act.
If I was told,
- I love you
- You are enough
My brain wouldn’t believe it, unless I felt like I earned it somehow.
Confrontation
This is the most difficult task I need to overcome - confronting what I’ve been supressing for so long.
Beneath the surface, there’s a part of me I’ve ignored. If I don’t deal with it - fear will keep control and have more influence over my decisions.
I was given subtle hints - about of all this.
Recieving this, it manifested in other emotions - anger, irritation, toxicitity - an extremely unhealthy response.
At the time I didn’t believe it came from love. I tried my best to convience myself it was wrong. Deep down, I knew facing my fears was going to be difficult.
Society doesn’t exactly make it easy for men to bring up these things. With the treadmill of a 9-5, have little time on the weekends, not going to therapy, it got worse over time. Not to mention, I didn’t surround myself with people I could confide in other than my significant other.
The more time I spend with myself - the more I’m able to slowly reveal parts of my subconscious that have gone unnoticed - the parts I wanted hidden.
Reflections
I feel incredibly sad - like there’s a part of me that’s been ripped straight out of my heart. I’m hoping this feeling will pass and I can return to finding joy in being myself. In reality, I never stopped loving anyone other than myself - that’s the worst part.
Forgiving myself and growing in self-understanding is the first step.
This post isn’t for anyone except me.